Stopped in my tracks
I could not take my eyes off you.
You took my breath away.
You stood so beautiful so majestic.
I could not move
I did not want to scare you away.
I admired your beauty from a distance.
The chance arose to be introduced. Holding out my hand to show my open heart to you.
You trusted me to come into your life.
We both became more comfortable with each other.
You let me get close to you.
We share a moment in time together.
We knew that it was not forever but it was good.
Our worlds would change and we would go in different directions.
I knew in my heart we would share again.
My beautiful deer.
Will you let me in again.
Will you let me get close to you.
Will you not run away.
Tic tic tic the hands move
I sit and watch the time pass by
The phone is silent
No one comes to the door
The remote control glued to my hand
Another evening with my best friend
How I wish my friend could share
Share something new
Share some advise
Share a sympathetic ear
Share a hug
We don’t go to the movies we don’t go to the pub.
We don’t challenge each other to be better
We can only laugh and cry together
We always feel the same way because my best friend is me.
I know the pain that every parent fears.
Now I am in a club that does not include beers.
Yes you are sorry, sympathetic, empathetic.
You don’t understand, decisions that I make seem pathetic.
Why do you treat me that way?
I lost my son. What should I say?
I am no better or worse.
Do I have a mark now? It’s like I have a curse.
I am still me.
Why can’t you see?
Why do you change when you learn this about my son?
I am still the same person I can still have fun.
I see the change in you and I didn’t do anything
Trying to be honest and doing the right thing.
I don’t see a time when it will not be painful and hurt.
A time when I can be human and flirt
This is my pain it is not for you to fix or understand.
You can do neither so stop using pop psychology that’s canned.
I am not asking you to make me better.
Solve my problem or cry me a river.
I ask to be treated like a human again.
Not like a day covered in rain
I hope you never have to experience a loss like this.
You don’t know it, you are living in bliss.
Losing your pet is not like losing a child.
Your comparisons are making me wild.
I know you are trying from a good place
but fuck you, you’re not in my head space.
“I cannot imagine going through that” you say.
It’s so common it sounds “like have a nice day”
I have my scars my pain
Sometimes I wonder if I am going insane
I have not only lost a son, also a wife
My dreams, my life.
I have lost the ability to live like you.
You raise your children past the age of two.
You can love them raise them watch them grow up.
You do not live with reminder of them throwing up.
The bliss and happiness I envy that time
But that not my mountain to climb
When you look in your child’s eyes what do you see,
the hope the future how nice that must be.
“Tears in Heaven” is only a problem if heaven is real.
It is something I hope but do not feel.
It’s 3 am I have so many thoughts and feelings. The silence of the room broken only by sound emanating from the heart monitor, your tiny heart so loud as it beats like a drum to announce your arrival. In this room we are safe beyond the door a world that is all new to you.
Its 3 am in your safe cocoon you are unaware of the spectacle of the next 12 hours. You float in your womb content with your world you have come to know. Excitement was the word we used to describe our feelings. If we were honest we were feeling fear and nervousness. It was only the day before the Doctors were telling us “The odds were against you.” Profoundly these words would be the obstacle of your brief life.
its 3 am a time where the world seemed to stop. A time that was just for us. Tonight is our first night sharing this time, the still calm night with only a machine amplifying your little heart. Tonight my thoughts are to your future. You will spend the day as the topic of a debate “the odds were against you.” You teach me my first lesson about you that day to not underestimate your strength.
Its 3 am you are hungry and you need food. Stubbornly mom keeps trying but it is not working. We cave and feed you a bottle. Your Mom tried so hard but could not give you what you needed. This begins our time together. So tired I come to complain of this 3am time you have chosen for us. Unaware of how special this time was and will always be.
Its 3 am the beeps of the machine remind me of our first night together. So much has happened today. You are so small to have a grapefruit size tumour taken out of your body. Now you begin a battle of chemo and radiation to rid your body of a cancer they finally found. “The odds are against you” they sat us down to tell us.
Its 3 am you want to go for a walk. Off we go to see the vending machine again so you can plug coins in it like a game. We pass the children’s ward school to look at the art work and older children’s projects. Stroller and IV poll we walk the halls. A place of pain and suffering is so different in the middle of the night. We spend this time together because you have made it possible. You will not take no for an answer you want a time in the hospital where no one looks at you different because of your bald head and IV pole.
Its 3 am your fever is down. It took all evening cold compresses and sponge baths but it worked. I lie here awake thankful. I would never think I would be so thankful for the nurse that took the time to help, thankful for the ideas and quick responses of your fever.
It’s 3 am time for your bath. You need to wash the chemo drug off your skin that you are sweating out or it will burn you. This was not our special time and we both did not appreciate the intrusion to our special time. Your eyes were not the same this time you didn’t understand why our special time was not peaceful and alone. The nurse being so forceful in her desire to get you into a bath, cold and confused you stood looking at me wondering why we were doing this to you.
Its 3 am the silence of the room broken with the sound of your end of life breathing. I lay thinking of that first night we spent together. How I could not see you but I knew you were there. How excited I was. I wish I could take back all the negative feelings I had for you wanting to have this time together. Tonight you need to go we will never have this time together again. Tonight will be our last night together.
Its 3 am with your last breath you are free. Free from the treatments and Hospitals. Free from the pokes and the prods. Free from the body that caused you such pain. You knew I couldn’t do it. Your last gift to me freeing me from the burden of increasing that last dose of morphine
Its 3 am I wake up like an internal alarm every night since you took your last breath. I am free from the burdens of our 3 am times you wanted for us. Ten years later I still wake up wondering. Tonight will you come back to have our 3 am time together again
We find ourselves here
searching for something.
Lonely and wanting something
it could be new or just different
So we have to open ourselves up
we have to describe ourselves
post a picture
and wait to be judged.
Not judged by people we know
but strangers
people that hide behind computer screens
We do our part
send out messages
provide witty lines
try to impress that picture
that nameless person
we think we might connect with
are they real? are they nice?
Can we see that in a picture
a descriptive line of who they are
or even who they think they are.
are they honest?
We cross our fingers
hope and wonder if they will respond.
If they do respond will they be kind
the anonymity of the screen changes people
nice people to rude, vulgar, dis-respectful
married people not happy wanting to make others unhappy
Why do we do this to ourselves?
to find that elusive thing called love?
to change our social circle?
to see what all the talk is about?
Where do we end up
do we find that wonderful person
do we get hurt and kicked along the way
is there no other options
The Moon
It seems like any night
the sun sets and darkness has filled the sky
the moon has risen like millions of times before
this moon seems different
there is a beauty and brightness that is not like all the others
I feel drawn to it
captivating and beautiful she lights up the sky
A cloud comes by and she is gone for awhile.
The night sky is not the same without her but she comes back
She now is shining so bright that she seems to make the stars around her brighter
The energy and life I feel from her fills me
I try and take in all that she gives
but she is slipping away to give all she has to others
as she moves away I will never forget my special moon
There will be millions of other moons in my life
this moon is special and I will never forget her
I will miss her but shehas a gift to give others and it would be selfish to keep her
Goodbye my special moon I will always remember you.
Bryce's World 